Ron DeSantis is announcing he’s running for president this week, and I have so many questions for this guy that I had to jot them down. I really wish I were part of his media entourage.
Here goes, Governor…
- Why are you so hung up on gay people and trans people? Did your mother dress you up in a skirt and high heels when you were five years old?
- What if drag queens read from your book—would that be okay?
- When you think about Cinderella’s Castle in Disney World, does it make you want to twirl around and dream of your Prince Charming?
- I know Mickey Mouse uses he/him pronouns, but have you checked out his parts to make sure?
- Along the same lines, how do you know Minnie Mouse isn’t really Rudy Giuliani in drag?
- When you’re at a sports event and you sing and move your arms around to the Village People’s “YMCA,” you do know what that song is about, don’t you? And when you stomp your feet to “We Will Rock You”…ah, this bullet can go on for a while.
- Do you think Steamboat Willie would make a good name for a porn star?
- Have you ever been to the Florida Keys? They’re in your state, at least for now. They probably want to secede.
- Moana, Maui, and Te Fiti want to know: would you like to borrow Te Fiti’s heart at least until you lose the Republican primary?
- When are you coming for the Jews? We’re starting to feel a little under-represented on your vilification scorecard.
- What is your hangup about inclusion programs? Were you not included when you were a kid? Did nobody pick you for kickball? Maybe you shouldn’t have worn those white booties.
- Do you have anything substantive to say about anything that doesn’t involve the words “woke,” “gay,” “trans,” “diversity,” “Disney,” or “black history”?
- Have you heard that Goofy and Dumbo are suing you for infringing on their brands?
- You do know there are gay people, don’t you?
- Can I use MF as a pronoun in reference to you? In addition to being an abbreviation for what I think of you, it also combines the masculine and the feminine, and I know you have problems with blurring those lines.
- If you’re against everything woke, could you just go to sleep for a while, at least until you lose the Republican primary?
